"i was bleeding, stopped believing- could've died- this song saved my life! i was down! i was drowning- but it came on just in time this song saved my life."
so i've been thinking about this recently, and because of today's occasion, i sort of figured that it would be relevant to bring this specific topic. this is usually a very touchy topic for me, and i generally would never open up about anything like this. today is the exception.
today is national suicide prevention day.
i was nine years old when i first heard about what suicide even was while listening in on a conversation between my brother and my mom while they talked of a couple of guys who committed suicide over the movie avatar and the observation that they couldn't change the actions of humanity. i've always been pretty curious myself, but this, for certain, was something i'd never needed to hear. i'd never admit this, but i actually thought it was an okay idea. i had to read excepts from my children's bible until latest hours just to keep my mind off of it. in a way, yeah, i guess you could say it- i was a suicidal fourth grader. what a rush.
it eventually got worse. i hated it. i hated life. i hated myself. i'd come up with seven different ways to commit suicide without anyone noticing within the time limits of 2 hours the year i was in the sixth grade and got so close to actually doing two of them.
i was twelve and i was going to commit suicide. i was going to kill myself and i wasn't even thirteen.
the night of the second closing, i'd decided to listen to a last song. this song, dare you to move, in particular, had come onto the radio. i won't deny to say that this is one of the only reasons i ever even became interested in switchfoot.
simply to say, this song saved my life. it's never really quite failed to.
the seventh grade was hard. the eighth grade was harder. i was lonely and once, accidentally cut the outside of my wrist while shaving. it became habit. i thought nothing of it. i thought that nobody else thought anything of it.
i was wrong.
so, thus comes the question- "how is this relevant?"
i'll admit, i'm not healed. i'm not losing the scars. i'm not losing the experience. i'm can't promise i'll never self harm again. i'm not just going to lose my triggers. i still think about it sometimes. but having been in the situation makes it so much more important to me that nobody else ever has to experience it.
i never saved a life. i don't know anything about saving lives. i'm no hero.
all i really do know is that i love you. i love you more than the astronomer admires the moon. i love you more than i appreciate the sun. i love you more than i've ever loved myself, and if you ever hurt yourself, even if i'm not informed or i don't see, it pains me. maybe i don't know you or everything about you. maybe i don't even know your name. maybe we don't even talk. i don't care.
i love you and i've never stopped.
i may never be able to stoop down and kiss your scars, i may not be around when you need me most, i may not be here when you feel like you need to talk to someone, i may not be about when you feel like this again.
you're strong. you're beautiful. and i love you.
this is going to sound really cliche, and i know it's hard to believe sometimes. but it does get better. it does.
you might think you're nothing special, you're just normal or even horrible or terrible or anything!! but just think about it- all these wonderful things in the entire universe, stars, planets, everything! they all blew apart one day, and eventually all the little bits and pieces came together to make mankind, to make you! i think that's enough to make you incredible.
and you are. you're incredible.
go on, i know you can. and maybe, one day, i'll be able to have the honor to be the one to have written love on your arms.
-- edit:: hey hold up a second here guys
i didn't write this to get sympathy, i wrote it to get my point, i wrote it for you
please don't give me any sympathy, i'm getting better, i really am, and i'm not the one who needs it. i'm not dwelling on my past. i don't need to. i don't want to. i won't.
LetsFosterthePeopleFeatured By OwnerSep 11, 2013Student Digital Artist
Nan.... I'm crying...I didn't know you were like this. I totally get you, I really do. If I ever said anything mean to you; I'm sorry...I truly and really am. You should see my post on Instagram...I said TWLOHA too. We can both make it Nan, we can. It's so hard, but we have to try. I know that you can't say, "I'm going to stop cutting" because that's so fake; we can't predict what's going to happen; but we can prevent what's going to happen. I really truly get you, please forgive me Nan. I am so sorry. I hope you get better Nan, words cannot say all my sympathy for you. I love you Nan (as a friend), and I wish the best for you. ❤❤❤
my god nan I'm tearing up here..... But just one thing to say, you don't have to save anyone to be a hero. Im sure a whole bunch of people just from hearing that story think your a hero. Life is really a good thing it only happens once. Just think school and all that is really only the beginning of your life, if it doesn't go too well thats disappointing.. But what i tell myself when something bad is happening is to just think about the things that matter to you and all the good things that will happen if you follow your dreams! For everything bad that happens i promise something good will also come along.. just remember that and think about what you have a future for!
Back in 6th grade I was always stressed and stuff. I didn't really have any friends because of social awkwardness (towards the very end of that year I met people as awkward and weird as me and we became good friends). I would've started cutting, but lucky me, I can't hurt myself purposefully. I hate the sight of blood. Eventually I stopped thinking such horrible thoughts about my life and now I'm a pretty optimistic person. Yes, it really does get better ^ ^